I believe this wholeheartly and because of that I want to tell you my story.
I wasn't even sure the malaze and despair I felt was depression until I was sitting in church one week during my last pregnancy and found myself unable to stop crying. I mean the ugly crying. The kind that was IMPOSSIBLE to stop and even harder to explain to someone looking on.
Being overwhelmed with the pregnancy was a big factor. I was able to get through the entire pregnancy "drug-free." Although I seriously considered trying the prescription my OB wrote for me. With help from Mr. Smarty, I was able to look at things in perspective and arrange our lives so that I wouldn't get so overwhelmed. Later that Sunday our small group at church prayed for me, and that week was so much better, and I found myself "down" much less often.
Problem solved, right? Well, not really. Although I wasn't sad as much and didn't feel as alone in everything, I still had issues that needed healing. And while I was still broken but functioning, a little boy Boo's age in our neighborhood died in his backyard. This threw me for a BIG LOOP. All kinds of questions arose from that accident.
Why did God allow that boy's life to be cut short? How will his mother cope, go on, function? Why not me and my son? Who's to say something like that won't happen to my children?
And the biggest question or hardest to find an satisfactory answer to: How can God be loving when He allows that to happen?
I searched for the answer to that last question for what seemed forever. And never came close to anything that gave me a hint of peace. After going through the gamut of emotions: sadness, despair, anger, frustration and finally and most scary-complacency, I called for an appointment with a counselor recommended on our church's website.
It was definitely a God thing for me to meet with my counselor. It turns out I already knew her from a MOMs group. She was really cute and sweet and had an easy way about her that made it possible for her to tell me how crazy my thoughts were without offending me or making me feel like a freak. And she taught me new ways to think- or direct my thoughts.
But the real turnaround on my road to depression recovery was when my counselor asked me to pursue something I believed God had for me sometime in the future. A purpose for my life. Something that got me really excited just thinking about even if it would be years from now that God would call me to it.
The only purpose I knew was Motherhood, specifically through adoption. But it seemed years away. So she just encouraged me to daily pursue in baby steps our adoption. I started by emailing a friend who is an adoptive mom. I asked her about her agency and experience. The next day I sent away for information packets from some agencies online. And everyday I was getting more and more excited and drawn to this idea.
After months of pursuing and digging into our adoption journey, I realized something critical to my healing. Although God had not revealed the answers I was seeking, He did reveal enough to satisfy me and calm me. I saw that part of His plan was to use others to bring comfort to those who are hurting. While I don't understand why there has to be hurt, I understand how He delights in using those who love Him to comfort the wounded.
And the most healing and exciting revelation was that God wanted to use me to help heal a hurt child who lost their first mommy.
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
My story matters. It may not matter to the world, but it matters to the world of one child.
****Update: To see more of our story, here's our 10 Day Trip to Ethiopia in 10 Pictures and Baby Girl's Homecoming
****Update: Your Story Matters Linky Party at Pajama Mama tomorrow because others need to hear your story, too.