I believe this wholeheartly and because of that I want to tell you my story.
I wasn't even sure the malaze and despair I felt was depression until I was sitting in church one week during my last pregnancy and found myself unable to stop crying. I mean the ugly crying. The kind that was IMPOSSIBLE to stop and even harder to explain to someone looking on.
Being overwhelmed with the pregnancy was a big factor. I was able to get through the entire pregnancy "drug-free." Although I seriously considered trying the prescription my OB wrote for me. With help from Mr. Smarty, I was able to look at things in perspective and arrange our lives so that I wouldn't get so overwhelmed. Later that Sunday our small group at church prayed for me, and that week was so much better, and I found myself "down" much less often.
Problem solved, right? Well, not really. Although I wasn't sad as much and didn't feel as alone in everything, I still had issues that needed healing. And while I was still broken but functioning, a little boy Boo's age in our neighborhood died in his backyard. This threw me for a BIG LOOP. All kinds of questions arose from that accident.
Why did God allow that boy's life to be cut short? How will his mother cope, go on, function? Why not me and my son? Who's to say something like that won't happen to my children?
And the biggest question or hardest to find an satisfactory answer to: How can God be loving when He allows that to happen?
I searched for the answer to that last question for what seemed forever. And never came close to anything that gave me a hint of peace. After going through the gamut of emotions: sadness, despair, anger, frustration and finally and most scary-complacency, I called for an appointment with a counselor recommended on our church's website.
It was definitely a God thing for me to meet with my counselor. It turns out I already knew her from a MOMs group. She was really cute and sweet and had an easy way about her that made it possible for her to tell me how crazy my thoughts were without offending me or making me feel like a freak. And she taught me new ways to think- or direct my thoughts.
But the real turnaround on my road to depression recovery was when my counselor asked me to pursue something I believed God had for me sometime in the future. A purpose for my life. Something that got me really excited just thinking about even if it would be years from now that God would call me to it.
The only purpose I knew was Motherhood, specifically through adoption. But it seemed years away. So she just encouraged me to daily pursue in baby steps our adoption. I started by emailing a friend who is an adoptive mom. I asked her about her agency and experience. The next day I sent away for information packets from some agencies online. And everyday I was getting more and more excited and drawn to this idea.
After months of pursuing and digging into our adoption journey, I realized something critical to my healing. Although God had not revealed the answers I was seeking, He did reveal enough to satisfy me and calm me. I saw that part of His plan was to use others to bring comfort to those who are hurting. While I don't understand why there has to be hurt, I understand how He delights in using those who love Him to comfort the wounded.
And the most healing and exciting revelation was that God wanted to use me to help heal a hurt child who lost their first mommy.
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
My story matters. It may not matter to the world, but it matters to the world of one child.
****Update: To see more of our story, here's our 10 Day Trip to Ethiopia in 10 Pictures and Baby Girl's Homecoming
****Update: Your Story Matters Linky Party at Pajama Mama tomorrow because others need to hear your story, too.
20 Creative People Had This To Say:
(((((HUGS)))))) Thank you for writing that. I cried for you when reading it and cried with you. I have felt similar so many times and it is incredibly lonely. You inspire me and I know you are the best mommy to your kids and that other soul out there waiting to meet you.
So very touching, Kristen. Thank you for opening your heart for all of us. Truly the glory of God has poured out of your story. What an amazing testimony of God's faithfulness!! I am blessed to "know" you!
Wow, that almost leaves me speechless. Except that I cannot NOT write to you how wholeheartedly I agree with you and the decision to blog about it. God DOES use us to help others thru difficulty and the difficulty you went thru DOES glorify Him...thanks for sharing.
Suzanne
Kristen, this will really minister to someone who reads this who is going through the same despair you experienced. We are always led to believe that pregnancy should be a wonderful experience... the picture is painted of the glowing pregnant woman, super efficient, preparing for her new arrival. Well done for avoiding the drugs, I believe they can be fairly addictive and for seeking help and for sharing your story. I pray, it will encourage someone who needs to, to ask for help and to press into God 'who has loved us and gave us EVERLASTING consolation and good hope by grace, who comforts our hearts and establishes us in every good word and work.' (2 Thess 2 v16-17)
I think it's great you are willing to share your story...it can help someone else. My husband and I believe whole heartedly that God uses us to help others...whether we know it or not.
Wow. Just wow.
Hugs to you.
yes, thank you for sharing.
WOW Kristen- Your post touches many. Thank you for sharing this ... it is such a common thing for Mommies to feel this way, and people like you to share and encourage them is exactly what God wants! Amazing testimony!
wow What a heartfelt post!! I'll keep your in my prayers.
WOw - I am so glad you shared this story! I am so touched right now and so thankful to hear how God worked in your life! He loves us so much ... even when we don't understand what He's doing! Be blessed ...
Kristen... me again. :)
So, I wanted to respond to your story yesterday, but I didn't yet have the words. First of all, thank you so much for sharing. I've dealt with some of those emotions and they aren't pretty are they?
I believe that we have to go through things (even bad) for God to be able to show us his compassion, understanding and love. I know that sounds very ODD. But... how can we show love, compassion and understanding to others if we don't see it in our relationship with God? At least, that's how I feel. God shows us, so we can be a help and strength to others. That's what makes relationships, right? It's not just all the happy moments. It's the wailing and crying, too.
You know how you said our stories aren't over yet? Well, that's exactly it. I wonder just how you and I will both answer the Your Story Matters question in 10 years.
I know if I didn't go through the valleys of sadness, depression and hurt over the relationships I allowed in my life a decade ago, I wouldn't be where I am today. I certainly wouldn't be as understanding or compassionate.
Ok, maybe I would, but I'm sure in a different way. :) Pain sucks. And I wish we didn't have to go through it. But it might just come down to the fact that we won't know the real reason WHY until we see our Maker. :)
Melissa
Thanks for sharing, Kris. Reminds me of the our sermon just this sunday -- how it is only when we reach those breaking points that we truly learn to trust and rely on God and how necessary that is to be effective at reaching out to others! Your post is such an example of that!
thank you for sharing...what a great reminder about God's compassion for us in the midst of pain and suffering. i hope you have an amazing rest of the week. :)
what a great story. Thank you for sharing it.
That is lovely. Reminds me of my 2nd pregnancy and a similar counselor (different channel for my energies but still resonates)
Your story absolutely matters and it matters to more than one child too. Beautifully written and expressed post.
I want to thank you so very much for sharing your challenges and how you came through. I have been dealing with a depressed time, and I have found the things you did an inspiration to me.
I'm so glad to see you participating in my Writer's Workshop. It's amazing to read all these journeys and what leads us all to our conclusions.
Great story, very inspiring! Stopping by from Writers Workshop!
Oh my gosh. That was such a beautiful story! I am SO glad that I clicked on your name today. Really, really thankful! Thank you for sharing your heart! And your God moment.
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